3 Reasons Why We Fear Setting Boundaries And How To Overcome It

Whether it is a moment of saying no to a coworker or keeping a toxic family member at bay, setting boundaries is at the core of building strong relationships while fostering healthy self-respect. 

Although our logical mind agrees that boundaries are an important part of our well-being, if we are not used to having or setting them, we hesitate because we are afraid of the consequences once we do. 

Our inability or fear to set boundaries goes well beyond the logical mind. If we didn’t grow up fostering healthy boundaries or our boundaries were repeatedly crossed, we find it hard to define where other people end and we begin.

Here are 3 reasons why we fear setting boundaries. 

1. We fear loss 

We fear that once we enforce boundaries, others will reject them. Although that may be a natural consequence of doing so, we must recognize what we fear losing and what we want to tolerate further. 

When we negotiate our boundaries because of fear of abandonment or loss, we are betraying ourselves. When we compromise our boundaries, resentment and anger will eventually grow. Sometimes, it is not until we lose ourselves in the process and feel taken advantage of that prompts us to set boundaries and maintain them. 

2. We fear the reactions of others 

Last year, I had to make significant changes in some of my closest relationships. I remember feeling very nervous as I was approaching to set these boundaries. I realized it wasn’t the boundary itself but the reaction of the person receiving it. 

Based on the dynamic you have with people, especially those you unconsciously put on a pedestal, you may fear their reaction. What if they reject me? What if they judge me? What if they think I am selfish?

Although we all face these worries, it’s important to remind yourself what it costs you and how it affects you and your relationships not to set them. 

3. We don’t want to be selfish 

If we grew up in an environment without healthy boundaries, or homes that didn’t respect them, navigating through this process feels like learning to walk. 

We battle with ourselves whether our boundaries are necessary and ponder upon a question, “What if I am selfish for putting this boundary in place?” 

Since this is a common concern for anyone learning to set boundaries, let me offer this definition of selfishness.

Being selfless means setting boundaries based on your needs and limits. Being selfish is about expecting others to do what you want. 

Your boundaries are not a subject of debate. Although it’s essential to communicate your them with others, you are not looking for approval. 

There is no right or wrong boundary since boundaries have no duality.

It is a personal choice and a healthy decision to create a strong and positive foundation for your relationships while honoring and respecting your limits. 

How to overcome the fear of setting boundaries 

1. Understand the fear 

Underneath the fear is often a deeper meaning as to why you find it challenging. Understanding this fear gives you answers and an opportunity to look within and analyze this fear. 

If you fear the loss of people, have you ever lost someone important to you? Have you processed the event, or do you need to come back to it and heal it?

If you fear others will reject or judge you, have you been overly criticized or judged in the past? Is it possible that you unconsciously judge yourself and aren’t aware of it?

2. Acknowledge what you see 

Once you understand the root of your fear, validate any feelings that come up. Acknowledge unhealed wounds, forgive yourself, and recognize how your past affects your present. 

The moment you allow your emotions to find their full expression and acknowledge why you find it hard to set boundaries with others, you’ll release stuck energy and feel at ease. 

Whether it is a desire to please others, seeking validation, or being afraid of upsetting people, recognize that this pattern of behavior isn’t serving you and allow yourself to heal it. 

3. Put things into perspective 

To put things into perspective, ask yourself these three questions: 

“What has it cost me(mentally and emotionally) not to have boundaries?”

“How is the lack of boundaries affecting my relationships with others and myself?”

“What possibilities can I create, and how can I positively impact my life when I set boundaries?”

“Considering that I won’t make any changes in this area, where will I end up? And is this the place I want to be?”

Once you look at the other side of the spectrum and focus on what positive changes you can create, your drive to make healthier choices for yourself will naturally increase. 

Choosing to set boundaries is not up to others but up to us. That is the privilege every single person holds in their hands.