How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Cultivate More Self-Respect

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” Brene Brown 

Today marks the second week of my stay in Rishikesh, India, also known as the capital for yoga and meditation. 

When I landed in Dehradun on November 29th, I was excited and ready to embark on this journey of deep inner work while perfecting my yoga and meditation practice.

I thought it will be all about inner peace and stillness while enjoying the beauty of Rishikesh and the spiritual energy you can feel all around. 

Surprisingly, that wasn’t the case. A few hours after my arrival, I fell into hopelessness and mild depression. I felt homesick, lonely, scared, and ready to go home where everything was known and familiar. 

However, I didn’t have that choice. I couldn’t give in. There was so much I gave up and sacrificed to come here that running away from my inner battlefield was out of the question. 

Amid all this emotional and mental chaos, one thing started to stand out – my boundaries and the things I allow and don’t speak about. Although I can’t pinpoint the reason for this realization, it brought up lots of unresolved anger and frustration that were worth paying attention to. 

I recalled times when something hurt me, but instead of communicating it, I reached for self-betrayal and dismissed it. I remembered times when people said things that didn’t make me feel comfortable, and I said nothing. Or I laughed it off instead of saying something. 

If you grow up without learning how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, it’s easy to lose sight of where other people end and you begin. However, as you grow, learning to set boundaries with those around you and even yourself becomes an inseparable part of your healing journey. 

While working through my anger and analyzing this part of my life, three things stand out.

1. Self-responsibility is what gives you control 

Victim mentality is a powerless place we all get stuck in sometimes. Blaming other people, pointing out their mistakes, and wishing for them to be different only makes us sad and defeated. 

Although it’s confronting to admit that you are playing the victim in your own life, it’s the only way to gain control and set healthy boundaries. When you feel that people keep disrespecting your boundaries without holding them accountable, you are giving them all your power to do it again. In the meantime, you are silently building resentment and putting your relationships in jeopardy. 

Remember that you don’t create boundaries to scare people off but to keep them in your life. Those who move further away from you when you enforce your boundaries are people who shouldn’t have access to you. The reason isn’t that they are “bad” people. They simply can’t meet you where you are, at least not yet. 

2. It’s not about what people do but what you tolerate 

No one can disrespect you or offend you without your consent. Once you realize the power you hold to create a circle of people who are willing to respect your boundaries, you won’t allow just anyone to walk over you with their dirty feet.

You are the one who decides what’s acceptable in your life and you are worthy to maintain that standard for yourself. 

However, it’s worth mentioning why many of us betray our boundaries – we fear losing people. It’s the common reason why we allow others to disrespect us and eventually hurt us.

If this speaks to you, I invite you to explore this part of your life. Fear of losing others is often associated with abandonment during childhood, neglect, lack of care and love from our parents or caretakers, and the list goes on. 

By courageously exploring this part of your past, it will be easier to set healthy boundaries by understanding what is behind your motivation to betray them. Once you get some clarity, start working from there. 

3. Communication is the key 

One of the things I realized was that I often don’t even try to communicate my boundaries. Here are some thoughts that predominated my mind and didn’t allow me to be courageous and speak up. 

What if they won’t be friends with me anymore?

What if they think I am high maintenance?

I shouldn’t say anything. At least I will avoid this uncomfortable conversation. 

Maybe I am just overreacting. It’s okay. I will just let it go. 

I don’t feel like having this conversation since our relationship is in a good place. 

No matter what your inner excuse is, giving people a chance to communicate what you don’t like is essential for keeping them in your life. That’s the thing about healthy boundaries – we don’t have them to push people away but to keep them in.

Also, minimizing what you feel is a survival response to keep the peace. How things impact you and what makes you uncomfortable matters. Honor yourself by respecting your feelings and allow others to respect them as well by giving them the chance to hear you.  

Learning how to set boundaries after years of not doing so is a courageous step that requires a willingness to withstand the discomfort of those conversations. 

Look at it this way: You’ll go through two types of pain, and you can freely choose which one means more to you. You will either allow others to cross your boundaries while building resentment towards them and yourself. Or you will be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with people while addressing why you even allow such things in your life. 

It’s worth mentioning that not both pains are the same. One keeps you stuck, and the other takes you higher and embraces your growth. 

Which one are you going to choose?