Self-Care and Mental Health: How to Heal Yourself with Love

“Self-care is how you take your power back.” Lalah Delia

Have you ever found yourself in a state of sadness and defeat, maybe even feeling unworthy, and instead of a good dose of self-care and love, you slipped into a well-known self-judgment and harsh criticism?

When I set myself on a mission to understand my adverse childhood experiences and became deeply interested in understanding my behaviors, triggers, and emotions – there was a part of me that knew something was missing. 

I would take courses, read books, and attend spiritual retreats (which were all very useful) while overlooking the message these experiences showed me. 

And that was – How do I care for myself on a regular Thursday at 2 pm when I feel sad while judging everyone around me because my emotional state is out of whack?

My typical old self would go throughout the day without any awareness of what was happening. My ego would be running the show while, in the meantime, I was silently judging myself for not being able to snap out of the funk. 

This self-sabotaging behavior then breeds the question: “How can we heal our traumas when we use the same approach that might have created the trauma in the first place?”

Healing Begins with Self-Care

The problem was that I had so much information about what happened to me as a child. Although I understood its impact and how it was affecting me in the present, I wasn’t approaching myself with care and compassion but judgment and some pretty unloving thoughts. 

Self-awareness is essential for understanding our traumas and its impact but what creates a change is how we care for ourselves through this process. 

I encourage you to create a self-care toolkit with healing tools and techniques. Train yourself to reach for them when you feel defeated or when feelings of unworthiness creep in. 

Anytime you take a stand for yourself, practice self-care, and approach yourself from a loving place, what you are saying is: “I am ready to break free from my survival mind. I am worthy and lovable enough to care for myself because I deserve healing and love.”

This leads me to the first self-care approach. 

1. Allowing yourself to feel 

How often do you allow yourself to take time out of your busy schedule and feel what’s there, acknowledge what’s there without judgment or the need to push it away? 

When going through your healing process, let yourself feel what comes up and express it in the most authentic and vulnerable way. 

Trick is that the brain in survival mode isn’t naturally wired to move towards self-care. Many of us are wired to pretend, guard up and toughen up. It’s like holding your breath while trying to desperately exhale. 

What if there is a better way to heal? What if your first step towards healing and loving yourself (because this is an act of self-love) is to reserve a time, once a month, to just feel and process life. You will find that whatever challenges you face are messages to slow down and look inside yourself while carrying for the most important person – YOU. 

2. Self-honesty 

Although this is pretty intimidating for many of us, facing the truth is part of loving and carrying for yourself. 

Two years ago, I was dating a guy. However, things weren’t working between us. I found myself in a desperate place where the feelings of unworthiness were coming to the surface. 

To ease my anxiety about the separateness I was feeling, I used my deceased pet and sadness to reconcile the connection. Therefore, I manipulated the situation because my triggers were activated, and I couldn’t bear the emotional state I was in. 

After one of my ayahuasca retreats and many months of healing, I had to face my toxic traits and how the trauma I experienced shaped me. It wasn’t easy to admit that I manipulate others into making me feel worthy, or that I entertained situations that weren’t good for me. Although this was very uncomfortable to face, it was the only way to stop repeating the cycle. 

When we face the truth, no matter how hard or uncomfortable, we become lighter and freer. Therefore, we stop protecting our egos but instead acknowledge the reality. We don’t do it because we want to judge ourselves. We do it because we love ourselves enough to handle it and grow. This leads me to the third act of self-care, which is an absolute must-have in your healing tool kit. 

3. Forgive yourself

You stop the guilty. You let it go. Do you know why? Because it is just too heavy to carry. How long have you been carrying this burden of guilt and judgment? 1, 5, 10, 15 years by now? Maybe even longer? 

If there is one fundamental rule in healing, it’s to learn how to forgive yourself. We, as women, feel guilty for so many things. Often, the judgment that comes with self-awareness prevents us from moving forward and getting unstuck. It’s time to break this self-destructive cycle. 

Since I want to simplify this process for you, I encourage you to start by spending just 5 minutes a day on your self-forgiveness practice. Close your eyes and bring to your awareness feelings of guilt. It doesn’t matter how logical or illogical they seem. Take a deep breath and say these words: “I forgive myself for… and then express whatever it is you are willing to let go of. Repeat this practice daily and allow emotions to resurface and feel through them.  

Conclusion 

Many children who were victims of abuse and emotional neglect aren’t familiar with loving self-compassion which is a foundation for deep inner healing. Although the concept may be unknown to you, and all that you are reading sounds nice but seems unattainable, I want to invite you to try something out. 

Picture a little girl, very cute, beautiful, loving, and innocent. Just by looking at her, your heart softens up, and you smile. You see her sitting in the corner, her head buried in her hands, crying. She is very hurt and feels alone. She feels like no one loves her. With this picture in mind, what would you do to comfort and take care of her, knowing that you are the only one who can do it?

Now, write down your answer. Next time you need to be comforted, loved, and cared for, use the same approach as if you are this little, lovable, beautiful girl. I invite you to begin the process of learning to care for yourself by using this as your first step.