4 Self-Loving Techniques I Learned in Therapy

“Owning our story and self-loving techniques through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” Brene Brown

Last year, I decided to get therapy to address the sexual assault I experienced as a child. After 25 years of silence and denial, I had to face the truth since the shame and self-blame were unbearable.

If you would like to read the whole story, the process I’ve been through, and how I went about healing it, you can check out an article I wrote for Tiny Buddha HERE.

When my parents went through their divorce, I was 12 years old. Since my father was accused of domestic violence, my brother and I were sent to different therapists and counselors to address our trauma. 

When I started therapy, I didn’t have high hopes. After all, the treatments I received as a child weren’t very helpful. But my therapist was different. She was experienced and compassionate, and we were able to communicate effectively from the get-go

One of the things she shared with me was coping skills and soothing techniques I can utilize during my healing. I decided to call them self-loving techniques. 

The truth is that I often rejected these types of tools. I considered them too simple to be effective while trying to crack the code of growth that didn’t exist. I thought that there must be an Armageddon type of situation to alter the quality of my life – something big, something that takes my breath away, and I rise like a phoenix. 

Although these life-altering experiences that shake us to our core are hugely impactful, the question is – “How do we care for ourselves after the Big Bang?”

If you were a victim of domestic violence or other forms of abuse as a child, your view of what you deserve in a relationship or in life can often be distorted. You may struggle to recognize your own worth, make desperate attempts to gain the attention and love from others that you missed out on growing up. You may engage in certain behaviors to that were born from your abusive childhood experiences.

If you want to accomplish a lasting transformation and live healthier, it’s necessary to work on changing your inside world by learning what self-loving techniques look like in real life. 

I know you may feel confused about how to love yourself. I’ve struggled with the concept myself and the process is still ongoing. I can promise you there’s a way to heal from your trauma by starting to treat yourself in ways that don’t feel natural at first. To do this, you’ll have to break some old habits. All I ask is for you to give it a try.

I have come to realize that what makes the biggest difference is how much we love and accept who we are. There is no big secret or one huge life-altering event that changes everything. These moments are opportunities. However, what truly defines our healing are daily simple acts of self-love we practice and continue to practice for the rest of our lives. 

Self-loving techniques #1 – self-soothing with warm tea or soup.

Warm beverages create comfort and provide soothing when we feel stressed or triggered. I am in love with mint tea. It is my go-to drink when I feel sad, defeated, or if I spiral into one of my shame attacks. Over time, I trained my brain to reach for comfort when smelling or tasting the mint.  

Since the self-care concept may feel foreign to you, it’s imperative to be mindful that this is your way to care for yourself and comfort yourself. 

Self-loving techniques #2 – create a comfortable and safe place

One of the favorite parts of my home decorations are LED lights I bought in 5 and below. They rock my world every time I use them. 

I hang them around my windows on my drapes. Every night, before I go to bed, I turn them on. Since they create a very cozy atmosphere, I feel secure and safe. These feelings are important to me since safety wasn’t a feeling I had for most of my life. 

Another great way to practice self-comfort is to hold onto or wrap yourself in something comforting – a blanket, jacket, scarf, stuffed animal – anything that helps you feel more comfortable. Again, remember to be mindful of why you do it, and what it means for you. 

Self-loving techniques #3 – meditation and mindfulness

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that this isn’t a new tool in my toolbox but certainly one of the most effective. 

You can use as little as five minutes a day for a simple mindfulness practice that gets you centered. One of the best ways to accomplish it is by focusing on your breath or watching the vibration in your body, like your heartbeat. 

Be mindful that, in the beginning, this is not something your brain will willingly move towards. Since our brains are wired for survival and fight or flight mode, our constant anxiety and overthinking will challenge us. I learned from Dr. Joe Dispenza that we have to treat our minds like an animal. We need to tell it to sit down and follow our direction, which is to be centered and present. 

Self-loving technique #4 – make friends with your emotions

In the past, I tried very hard to push my negative feelings away, but they always came back stronger. This resentment created more pressure that I was carrying and didn’t allow me to let go.

Learning how to sit with what we feel is crucial for our healing. Only when we accept what we feel in its entirety, we can move past that. 

Let’s say you feel jealous of someone but you don’t want to feel it because you know it’s not healthy. Instead of resenting this feeling all day, make friends with it. You can say, “Hey jealousy, I know you are here. I love you for showing me what I need to work on and what triggers me.” 

Make sure you smile when saying these words. Befriending the feeling of jealousy may not take it away, but it will allow you to loosen up and let go. 

Conclusion

For many of us, peace and self-care aren’t familiar concepts since we grew up in survival and fear of unpredictability. Instead of dreaming about winning the next spelling bee or attending our dream college, we were preoccupied with dealing with an unstable home life.

It is imperative to recognize that we are not what happens to us. We are not our triggers, wounds, or traumas; these are residue emotions that resulted from traumatic experiences or moments of neglect when you were a child. Any unwanted emotions that occur during your growth and healing process are opportunities to turn inwards and take care of the most important person in your life – you.

I hope these four simple loving techniques will help you in implementing more self-love and self-care into your life. For more resources on how to deal with sexual abuse, visit www.rainn.org – the national sexual assault hotline. If you’ve been a victim or a witness of domestic violence, I recommend the book “Invincible” by Brian F. Martin. 

What technique speaks the most to you? Leave the comment below – I would love to know.