What Self-Love Is (And What It Is Not) And How To Embody it

One of the questions I get asked quite often is, “What is self-love?” Or “How do I practice it?” 

Frankly, I pondered on this question for many years myself. 

What, actually, is self-love? 

A few years back, I was going through something that the Gen Z era refers to as a situationship. Needless to say, I ended up heartbroken. Since I felt desperate, depressed, and worth no more than 50 cents (no pun intended), my friend recommended that I go and buy myself something nice in a local drug store where I was heading as we chatted on the phone. 

So I did. 

I bought myself lipstick. 

Did I feel better? More worthy? Like I am taking care of myself properly?

Nope. I regretted spending $15 on a lipstick I didn’t need. 

Later down the road, as I worked through a complex relationship with my parents, healed (what I considered at that time) lost love, and addressed my self-sabotaging tendencies, I began to grasp the mysterious concept of self-love. 

What self-love is NOT

We often mix self-care and self-love and use them interchangeably. However, they are not the same and don’t feel the same. 

To me, caring for yourself represents the external things you do. Like buying clothes you need and want, getting a message, and wrapping yourself in a blanket with your favorite tea or hot chocolate. Or, turning off your phone and putting work on hold while watching your favorite comedy. 

Those are things you do to comfort and care for yourself. 

But loving yourself is different. 

What self-love is

You build self-love through self-respect. And you build self-respect by doing the things that are healthy for you but not necessarily things you feel like doing. 

I encourage you to first focus on respecting yourself and define what that means to you. 

Once you respect who you are, loving yourself will become a byproduct of that. 

In his book “5 Love Languages”, Gary Chapman says that love is action. 

Think of it this way. When you are in a relationship, and someone tells you they love you, what will you base it on? 

Well, you may base it on their words if you were as desperate as I was. However, if we take the rose glasses off and see things for what they are, you and I know that action speaks, no words. 

Action ultimately shows how the other person values and cares about you.  

Therefore, the same applies to you. How you act towards yourself defines your level of respect and love. 

I wish I could tell you to take a bubble bath and buy yourself something pretty, but that would be of no value to you. 

Sometimes, loving yourself means letting people go, facing the fear of losing someone, or overcoming the desire to be validated. Self-love stands on real values, not a Saturday splurge in a shopping mall.  

3 Ways to cultivate self-love

1. Be disciplined 

Self-discipline is the highest form of self-love because it sacrifices immediate pleasure for a long-term reward. 

Your self-love language may look like waking up at 5 am for your yoga practice or going to the gym, getting out of debt while sacrificing things you want, or committing to a goal you deeply desire, even though you know it will be challenging at times. 

The word discipline got a bad rep because we perceive it as “hard” to keep up with. That, to me, is a matter of perception. Instead of looking at your goals and aspirations as something you “have” to do, look at it as something you choose to do because it’s good for you.

Next time you want to hit that snooze button on your phone, think about getting up as a love language that says, “I love me, and I do this for me because I am worth it to feel and live good.” 

2. Set boundaries 

When you start addressing boundaries, instead of focusing on what people do that you don’t like, ask yourself, “What made me tolerate this behavior up until now?” 

That’s where the answer and healing lies. Remember that what you tolerate, will continue.

Challenging areas for us to set healthy boundaries are family relationships. We believe things like “blood is thicker than water,” or “family sticks together no matter what.”

Remember that setting boundaries is about keeping people in, not kicking them out of your life.

Will it be challenging, uncomfortable, scary, and even heartbreaking? Sometimes yes. 

Will it be empowering, healing, liberating, and brave? Abso-freakin-lutely. 

Learn more about how to overcome the fear of setting boundaries here.  

3. Heal

Get a therapist, look into your past to address the trauma, face your fears and limiting beliefs, hire a coach, and get uncomfortable for a while. 

The things holding you back aren’t going anywhere unless you choose to face them.  

Often, I see people turning away from their pains and traumas, naively believing that they somehow evaporate and disappear. 

One of the biggest lies is that time heals. 

Nope. 

Time pushes the pain into the subconscious and numbs it with distractions. Although the initial pain subsides as time goes by, time itself doesn’t heal. 

Only when you combine the time with conscious healing, can you release and heal what is holding you back. 

Which of these three areas can you show yourself a little more love this year? 

I’d love to know. Feel free to share it in the comment section below.